When Duty Calls- Homeschooling out of Calling, Not Desire

Our first year as homeschoolers has officially ended. 🎉

I just sent off our end of the year paperwork & as I sit here at the end of this chapter, reflecting on our school year, I’m filled with so many mixed emotions that I can hardly describe them myself.

I entered the year, dragging + kicking my feet all of the way, because it wasn’t what I’d planned. Yes, I was a homeschooler as a kid and it was so cool- I loved it! But that wasn’t the path I’d chosen as an adult.

Homeschooling my own babies? No, that simply was not what I wanted and I have absolutely no shame admitting that. We all have our own plans don’t we?

Each time I imagined raising my children, it had never included homeschooling. I have to shake my head lightly and laugh at myself now, because every time I envisioned parenthood in general it never included having a kiddo with extra needs either. Yet, here I am in one of the hardest places to be and yet, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Jordan and I had originally sent both Wyatt & Emme Kate to private preschool and just assumed that they would continue on there and that would be their education. Easy right?

Not quite. That expensive and ‘Christian’ based education failed my babies. We knew that we could not waste another precious year sending their delicate hearts off to a place where none (not one) of their strengths were celebrated because the school was too busy focusing on their ‘deficits.’

That would even be hard on any adult; can you imagine if your work environment was so ill focused on your faults, that they never noticed what you did right? How long would it take until you felt that final blow of defeat after hearing time and time again that your hardest efforts weren’t good enough and quit? Or worse, stay put and begin to believe the bs they were feeding you constantly- that you weren’t good enough for more?

I still have so many hard feelings on that school and their system. They should be ashamed of the way my sweet and unique son was treated there simply because they didn’t fit into the typical norm. I watched as his confidence faded away and in place, his anxiety flourished with full force.

Mind you- this was still PRE-K and early Kindergarten age children... they were, and still are, JUST BABIES!

We were at such a crossroads at the end of that school year. Not only was our son not thriving at his current private school, he was miserable.I knew in my heart that school was absolutely not the place for him… but if it wasn’t, where was?

Thankfully, much to my own dismay, God spoke to me.

He spoke to me most clearly, for the first time in my life one day in the kitchen while I was reheating my coffee for the 8th time. I’ll never forget it because it rattled me to my core.

It literally felt like there was a string wrapped around my heart, dangling downwards and someone took a firm grasp of it and tugged, ever so slightly, with firm conviction.

Yet, because I didn’t want to hear the words, I pretended that I didn’t feel them.

Can you believe that?!

All my life I pray for God to speak to me clearly- in ways that cannot be denied when He wants me to move because I need that. Bold true direction, no subtlety. That has always been my prayer. Then He does it, and I pretend not to notice.

What is wrong with me!?

Do you know what happened next?

He did it again.

And that time, unable to hide or deny what was obviously happening, I almost dropped my cup.

I fought Him. Why!? Why would you call me to do the one thing that I. Do. Not. Want. To. DO.?! I don’t deserve to be miserable. More importantly, was I even capable?

“If He called me to do it, then He will carry me through it.”

Somehow that became my personal mantra of the ’19-’20 school year. Probably because that’s what I kept reminding myself almost daily.

I immediately begged for the courage to talk to Jordan about what I’d just been told to do. I know it sounds silly but I was afraid to begin that conversation because well, Jordan knows me. He’d heard me say on numerous occasions that I would never homeschool my children.

Homeschooling in general is hard enough! Raising children in general is hard enough. But homeschooling AND raising extra-needs kiddos - on the spectrum with learning disorders, well there is a special place in heaven for mama’s who are capable of such mighty and selfless acts.

That just seemed like a David type of fight and I was not going to willingly throw myself up against a giant… until He told me to.

Thankfully, His plans are greater. Always, they are.

Homeschooling this past year was so good for all of us. I hate that COVID-19 came along and ruined half of the fun for us there at the end by keeping us away from all of the places that we wanted to go. But even with that set back, it was amazing.

Don’t get me wrong, every day was not a walk in the park. I repeat it was NOT. We had good days and bad days as we felt out our journey together. But we gave each other grace, tried new things, and my heart M E L T E D every time I got to see my children’s faces light up when something clicked. Moments that I would have otherwise missed had I not been their teacher; or, that I realize now, might not have happened at all without one-on-one instruction. I’m so beyond thankful that He called me so far beyond my comfort zone and personal desires to remind me that His plans are always greater.

Now here at the end, I have no doubt that we will stay flexible in our approach to schooling. What works for one babe might not work for the other. There might be years of them attending a more typical school setting; then they might jump back home for a season or two. No matter how the punches come, now we know how to roll with them and grow through them.

I have the faith in myself, and in them, to stay flexible in our approach to education so that they can bloom in their own time and in their own ways, while seeking up some joy along the way.